Watcher of The Cosmos

He’s just…different, now.

Different? Like, good or bad?

Different doesn’t always have to mean bad or good. Just…different.

Well, how is he different?

It’s difficult to explain. Speaking with him brings forth the disconcerting thought that he would rather be with someone else, someplace else, but not in a rude way. I cannot be certain if this new aloof nature of his is legitimate or his way of keeping himself from investing into anything.

What do you mean, investing?

I have a feeling that somewhere down the road, he gave so much, too much, to someone that took it all and left him with nothing. Ever since then, he keeps himself from investing too much, into anyone or anything. It’s incredibly subtle, that feeling you get when you are with him, but you can tell that he is withholding his whole attention. 

Well, if he’s rude I certainly don’t want to be around that.

That’s just it. He isn’t rude, it’s as if he simply doesn’t care. Almost as if he is privy to some great secret that he keeps quietly to himself while the rest of us scurry around and worrying about how nice our hair looks or what cars we drive or how big our houses are. There is a sort of refreshing feeling about him, as if he knows that none of our earthly problems mean a damn because, to him, in the end they never do.

That’s awfully morbid.

Is it, though? I mean, they say you can’t take it with you, right? Maybe we just cannot see the colossal waste of energy to live anyone else’s life but our own. All this comparing and competition, all for what? Your plot of land is gonna be the same size as everyone else’s. Perhaps he has just accepted it earlier than the rest of us. I think that may be another reason as to why I can’t shake the feeling he’d rather be somewhere else; maybe he cannot stand to be around such short-sighted people.

Well, I can’t say I’d be wanting to see much of him after hearing what you’ve said. Maybe he should just stay out in the wilds if he hates being around us idiots.

I honestly think he would if he could. There is a serene grace when you are next to him; almost as if you were up amidst the peaks that he climbs. He puts such an incredible distance between yourself and your problem that you almost feel foolish for even believing it mattered at all. I almost believe he waits until you come to that realization because the smile he has on his face when you understand is unlike any smile I’ve ever seen. Full of knowing, in a sense. Like, oh, now you get it. I can’t say I know very many people like that.

When was the last time you spoke to him?

Oh, it’s been months, for certain. But, that is how it is with him. You can go months at a time with nothing as far as communication but, when you do finally see him, it is as if no time at all has passed and he is just as warm as ever. I worry about him, though.

Worry? What for?

He spends so much time up on that mountain. Amidst the trees and the hills and the rocks. He told me once that he always felt like he left a little bit of himself every time he left and he wondered when he would come back down to find that he was no longer himself. I think someone once said that whoever delights in solitude is either a wild beast or a god, but I cannot remember who.

I would hardly think him a god.

No, neither would I. Nor a beast, I would think. Just…something different.



I truly believe there is something to be said
about two people who find each other
time and time again.
No matter any situation
they find themselves in
how far apart they become,
they come back to each other.
Those lucky few are the people who have
a little thing called fate on their side.
It’s almost as if the universe is saying
“Stop separating,
you are meant to be.”
I believe our lives were fated to converge
like some fantastical cosmic dance.
I know there is a terrible distance between us.
But our bodies are made of celestial light,
and we are hurling,
through time and space,
towards a most magical collision.
So won’t you find me when you are hurting?
Won’t you find me when you’re broken?
When your heart is falling apart,
and your mind, a hot mess.
For I have already seen you
as the most beautiful, ancient thing
that lives in dreams.
And even beautiful, ancient things,
like you,
are allowed to feel broken,
and be loved for it anyway.
And that’s really the truth
about me and you.
I just wanted to make you feel
that you aren’t as broken as you think you are.
that you aren’t as defective as you’ve been led to believe.
that you aren’t as unlovable as they painted you to be.
That just for once,
the old you, the new you, the you that you are now,
all of you,
can be loved with every fiber of someone’s being.
Little did I realize,

it ended up being mine.



There is park
that is not far from my house.
As a child,
I aptly named it
“The Park behind Our House,”
though truthfully,
it was more to the East
than really behind.

My father took me there
whenever we had the chance.
His job never really allowed him
much free time,
so we made it count.

He took me to the baseball fields
and I knew that day
that I wanted to be a professional
baseball player.
He would pitch me to until the sun went down,
and I cannot tell you how many times I swung
only to hear the sound of my bat
cutting through air.
He would laugh
and say,
“You got the fire, kiddo,
you just gotta know how to control it.”

Then he brought me to the soccer fields,
a soft brown,
because it was an old park,
you see.
And from sun up
until sun down,
we would pass the ball to each other.
I went to the library
and got as many books as my little arms could carry,
to teach myself
on how to be a professional soccer player.
I can always envision
seeing the goal,
my little legs pounding across the
russet fields,
and with all my might,
send that ball hurtling towards the goal.

But I always missed.
“You got the fire, kiddo.”

Then he introduced me to basketball,
and oh boy,
was I going to be the best basketball
this world had ever seen.
I watched as many games I could
and taught myself all the different positions.
I would get the ball in my hands
the orange pebbling brushing against
my hands.
I would shoot with the grace of Jordan,
but not once
did I hear the satisfying swish
I so desperately wanted to hear.

“You got the fire, kiddo.”

Try as I might,
I simply was not good
at baseball
or soccer
or basketball,
or just about every other thing
I tried.
But the one constant
throughout all of my failures,
as the smile my dad had on his face.
Somehow, that was more important
than being the best at something.

I saw that you could make people happy
with these things,
and that’s why I was so attracted to them.
But I failed at all of them because
I didn’t really want to be the best player,
I wanted to make people happy.
To do something good that matters.
To direct this fire
in a way that made others happy.

I always felt that I was wasting
this precious life I had
because I didn’t know what I wanted to do.
But maybe,
as long as we are making
or ourselves,
then it doesn’t really matter
if we don’t know what’s going to happen.

Maybe we just have to ride the wind a bit.



I stood there,
feet on the white
and brown tile,
arms resting along the
smooth hand rail
overlooking the plaza.
So many people,
walking to and from
their favorite stores.
Some alone,
others with others,
children running
and screaming.
I look on as I see
people holding hands
with people that matter to them,
and my heart pangs in jealousy.

What makes me so different from them?
I think to myself.

A frigid breath
brushes past the
hairs on my neck,
making them stand
on end.

As if you yourself know not the answer,
the Mantle uttered,
slipping off my back
and onto the rails
on which I rested.

Of course. As if I could forget,
I ruminated.
The Mantle.
Forged in the darkest recessess
of my heart and mind,
granted by my inner shadow
in a desperate bid
to save others from their fate.
None can see it but my self
as it drapes over
my once proud shoulders.
Clad in a cloth of darkest night,
I am more
and less
than I was before it came to me.

So you do remember,
it drawled coldly.
It never ceases to fascinate me
to see you yearn for the Light
when you know full well
that your lust for the Light
is meaningless.

I scoff,
Spare me the false incredulity.
You would not exist if not for the Light.
I am my own judge and executioner,
and you would do well to remember

that it was I who summoned you.

A wry smile escapes the Mantle.
I care not for the Light
or Shadow,
young thaumaturge.
It was you who sought wisdom,
in all of its forms.
Do not place blame on I
for not being satisfied 
with what you see.

I suppose I thought
that things would be
as I envisioned them,
I softly recounted.

Are they ever?
the Mantle finished,
alighting gently on my shoulders.

I whispered out loud.

“No they are not”.



You’ve oft said that you don’t need a man
And I would agree wholeheartedly so.
A firebrand such as yourself could never allow herself
to fall under the control of a man who wishes to bind her
to control her
to demean her
to suppress her
to subdue her.
No, you don’t need a man at all.
But tell me true,
How often do you find yourself wanting a man?
To be held on the nights long with anxiety and stress?
To bury your indignations in the warmth of his chest?
To tuck away your insecurities in the comfort of his arms?
To have, among this world full of wretched liars and thieves,
and those who would wish you ill,
An ally, that above all else, will be by your side through thick and thin,
A warrior to whom will always have your back
And ensure your sanity and safety
Not because he feels as if you cannot do that for yourself.
He knows you can.
But rather does so out of the want in his own heart;
the want to make you better
to push you with all the love in his heart towards horizons that maybe
you thought you’d never see.
The only difference between a want and a need is simple
yet it is the most powerful difference you might possibly imagine.
The difference, darling, is choice.
We all need other people in order to strive, to be healthy individuals,
but who we wish to live this life with?
Well, that becomes a choice.
A want.
So no, you don’t need a man.
Far from it.
But maybe one day
Some day,
You might choose to want me.
For love, truest of loves, is not solely
A spontaneous,
Euphoric feeling.
It is a deliberate choice;
A plan to love each other for better
or for worse,
for richer,
or for poorer,
in sickness,
and in health,
and in all of these,

I do.



An antimony core
housed in a jacket
of copper.
A powder
as dark
as the shores of Iceland
and a primer
that grants
the life-giving spark,
to be expulsed from
a lubricated chamber
to ensure maximum accuracy.
Unlimited potential
all packed tightly
in a 9 millimeter shell.
But let us not fool ourselves.
The intent that fuels
these leaden messengers of Death
is not universal,
but rather,
dependent on the force
that summons them.
For they can be used
for good,
by the good
and they can be used
for evil,
by the evil.
Therein lies the beauty
of being unshelled.
We are not unlike them,
can you see?
For within each of us
lies the power
of prospect.
We may become tools
of destruction
or redemption.
Of hope
or anguish.
Of hate
or love.
And like the hand
that pulls the trigger,
we have a choice.
A choice
on where
to aim ourselves.
There is,
one caveat.
A bullet cannot alter its course.
So make your decision
with the utmost care,
for it will define you.

Whether it sets you free
or binds you,
is up to you.



What are you afraid of, young one?
That maybe,
for once in your life,
you’ve found happiness?
Do you fear losing it?


That is how you know it matters,
how special and fragile it is.
Does that mean to forsake it?
Of course not.

Let yourself feel the power of this love,
let this love roar louder than your demons,
for it surely does.

Love does not come to those who simply want it,
but to the ones who need it most,
and often lends itself to those,
who claim they deserve it least.
But more importantly,
to those who choose it.

So take this hand,
feel the rush,
this is what it means to live,
before we are reduced
to dust.



Does the sun,
when it rises,
seek permission to shine?
It simply does.
As does my love for you.
It is not reliant on whether
you feel like you deserve it,
want it,
or even need it,
it’s just simply there.
And whether you are a million miles
from your home,
or in my very arms,
you will always know the warmth of my love,
just as you know the glow of the sun.
And when the time comes,
eons from now,
when my last spark is spent,
and I go supernova,
I pray that my atoms scatter across time and space,
with the hopes that they may create yet another star,
one that will burn
and more passionate than the star I was before.
So that my love may yet again serve as a reminder,
to you,
that whenever you need me,
I’ll be there.



Must I show you?

Walk with me,
won’t you?
You believe to know me,
all that I was
all that I am
all that I will be.
But you haven’t the slightest idea.
I am the result of a thousand loves
that have spanned across the ages.
The blood of my ancestors courses
through my very veins
and you claim to know
the extent of my potentiality?
Allow me
to illuminate
your darkened state of mind.
Those that came before me
made their homes
in the frigid tundras of the North.
They were reveled for the prowess
in battle
and feared
for they fought like men and women
The gods and goddesses they worshiped
were not done so out of fear
but out of respect,
for they believed that they strode alongside
them, in tranquil equality.
Though I am far from the quality
of spirit they possessed,
I am emboldened by their sacrifices
so that I may walk alongside you
So no,
you have no idea
who I am.
do I think
you ever will.

Must I show you?



I know
That I am no good for you.
That I do not deserve you
or the love that you could give.
I know that I
am not worthy of you;
but listen.
I know that I cannot promise you
that dark clouds will never hover
over our lives
that the future will bring us many rainbows.
I cannot promise you
that tomorrow will be perfect
or that this life will be easy.
can promise you
my everlasting devotion,
my respect,
my loyalty,
and my unconditional love for a lifetime.
I can promise that
I will always be here for you,
to listen
and to hold your hand,
and that I will always do my best to make you happy,
and to make you feel loved.
You will never go to sleep wondering that.
I can promise that
I will see you through any crisis,
and pray with you,
dream with you,
build with you,
and I will always cheer for you
and encourage you.
I can promise you
that I’ll willingly be your protector,
your counselor, your advisor,
your family, your friend,
your home,
your everything.
This I promise you.


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