I find myself a coward
in the face of you
and your love.
How do I deserve
what I have not the courage
to ask for?
I look at you
and see the stars,
the moon and sun,
What pitiful excuse of a man
must you see in me?
Perhaps this is my fate,
destined to always reach for light
and cursed to always withdraw
when it is within my grasp.
I’ve given this a lot of thought, you know. Writing this. It’s been years since I last saw you, and probably even longer since we last spoke. I know it’s for the best but I guess old ways of thinking really are hard to kill. I guess I figure if I can get this out in a way that makes sense to me, that maybe I can finally close the parts of me that still leave the lights on for you. I’ve got a full cigarette to go and a glass of something that burns, so its a start, right?
I miss you. It’s hard to admit that but I’ll say it. There are still nights where I wake up and every cell in my body aches for you. For your touch. For they way your eyes would twinkle when I’d trace the freckles on your face. For the way your hand would lace seamlessly with mine. God, you were electric to me, you know? You gotta understand that, while I haven’t been totally starved of affection, I haven’t exactly been fed well, either. You were nourishment on days I didn’t think I could get through. There was an effortlessness between us, as if the stars had finally aligned in a way that brought us both happiness. At least, that’s what I want to believe.
But that’s a dream, you know? It wasn’t real, and neither was the person I fell in love with. The person I know was nothing more than an illusion, nothing more than what you wanted me to know. And in the end, I got burned bad. I think we can both agree there. I don’t really know if that was your intention or not, but it doesn’t really matter anymore. The years without you have been hard as hell, but not because I was without you. They were hard because I had to live each day hating myself for the fool I was, and I locked a lot of people out because I was too afraid that I would be hurt like that again. Even now, when it came to admitting to someone close to me that I care deeply for them, I find myself a coward in the face of their genuine love. I am too afraid to love again.
What I want to say and have you know and believe, beyond any shadow of a doubt, is that I forgive you. I used to believe that people were in complete control of themselves; that they always had a choice. But, maybe, we don’t always have a choice. Maybe some of us have been hurt so bad, beyond any state of repair, that we don’t believe we have another choice. Maybe that is why you hurt me the way you did. I cannot carry that hatred for you anymore, you know? So I’m letting that go, and I’m letting you go, too. All of the things you said and done are leaves in the wind to me, now.
I know that you come here sometimes. Maybe it’s to see if I’ve moved on or maybe to see if I am still as unhappy as I was then. While I can’t say I feel any better, I can say that I feel something like hope. Hope in the future. Hope for me. Hope for you, too. I heard about your last relationship. I hope you don’t spend too much time cursing men and how they always let you down. I hope that you can forgive yourself, for all that you’ve done, and more than anything, I hope that you can begin to heal. I believe in that woman, and I think it’s about time you did, too.
The only person putting baby in a corner is you.