In Search of a Sunflower

‘Goodnight Julia’ -The Seatbelts, Cowboy Bebop

you were the only person i’ve ever met
that truly made me feel alive.
i wasn’t dreaming anymore.
it was as if every prayer i ever made
was answered.
we all have to carry that weight,
you know?
and i think i’m going to be carrying the weight
of you and the brief moments of time i had with you
for a long,
long time.
there is no sleep for me
just sleepwalking;
in the hopes that maybe,
i am led back into your loving arms.
and maybe then,
i can stay.


Final Call

‘Hidden Away’ -Chris Remo Firewatch

as i write this, i am sitting out on my porch
lights strung up high, stars sparkling bright
and bundled in blanket and coat.

a cup of hot chocolate
sits steaming on the garden table next to me
as a cold eastern wind rustles my hair
and the leaves
in the oaks.

you came to me like a thief in the night
but how could you steal
what i so willingly gave away?

staring up at the night sky
and seeing the moon in gibbous
saddens me. i wonder
if you will still think of me.
my writing is drenched
with the honey in your eyes
and the sweet sunflowers
of your hair.

i dream of you, you know that?
every night since you left,
in some way or another,
i find you there. and it breaks my heart
to hold you tight in my dreams
and to wake to a cold, lonely bed.

there is no escaping pain,
of this i’ve learned a great deal.
you were one weight i never wanted to carry
and now, well,
now i sit here, in my rocking chair,
praying for the impossible;
a miracle, even.

as the moon moves past the trees
and into the horizon
i allow silent tears
to fall onto this page.
i cannot think of a story more tragic
than one where the chapter we so desperately wanted to write
must exist as unopened pages
in the silent libraries
of our hearts.



i miss the way
you used to talk to me.
nothing elaborate.
you would merely say my name
and in that instant
i was hanging on every single word.


The Park

if i could tell you one thing
through call
or text
or any way that you would find
it would be that i miss you.
i miss you.

i miss you


And You Always Will

‘Quantifiable Connection’ -Hans Zimmer, Interstellar

i wonder if you still go to that park.
the one with the eucalyptus trees
lining that stretch of road.

i wonder if you still remember
that windy day
where you told me
how afraid you were
that i’d change my mind about you.
that i’d realize you were too much;
too crazy or too wild,
or maybe just too much woman
for me.

i wanted desperately to stop you there
and pull you into my arms
and whisper the things
i know
our hearts both knew.
but i put my arm around you
and drew you closer.
you probably didn’t feel it
but i gently kissed the top of your wild, wonderful hair
and told you that you would never be without me,
not a million years.

don’t cry, darling.
don’t remember
and weep.
if there is one thing i can tell you
about being second
is that you always have
what is left behind.

i wonder if you still go to that park.
the one with the eucalyptus trees
lining that stretch of road.



i dream in expressions of you;
of sunflowers and willows,
of hummingbirds and butterflies,
of all the things that make my wild soul
feel at home.


Sea Segue

if i had known
that i would never get
to see you
or hear you again,
i would have done more,
you know?
supported you more,
encouraged you more,
watered you more.
maybe there was something
i could have done
to ease your fears better,
to make your heart beat better,
to dance a little harder,
to laugh a little harder,
to hold me a little tighter,
to get you to finally spread
your wonderful wings
and fly.

i wonder.



you were never too much.
i need you to know that.
you were never too bitchy
or too crazy
or too wild
or too Mexican,
whatever that means.
you should never have to dampen your flame
for one that cannot handle the heat.
you were fire
to a man that had spent most of his life
and alone.

you were just right.


Carpe Astra

i wonder,
when you look out at the stars
if you think of me.

of the times i made you laugh,
of the times you got me to smile.

i hope your decision
wasn’t made
in the name of safety.
i know you were afraid.
afraid of being alone again,
afraid of the bills,
just, afraid.

and maybe love
in the name of safety,
is something you’re used to.
‘who could love someone like me’,
you’d always say.

maybe you even forced yourself
to settle.

i know i couldn’t ever tell you,
I would.

i do.

there is no safety in love
because it requires you to be vulnerable.
it requires that the walls you spent building
to keep your father out come crashing down
so that someone can let the light shine
through all of your cracks.

i wish i could have told you
that you wouldn’t have had to any of that alone.
that everything you feared
on the other side
would pale in comparison
to the love i would show you,
the love i would spend the rest of my days
to give to you
and to him.

i wonder
when you look out at the stars
if you think of me.

i do.



more than anything else
i lost in you;
the plans,
the walks,
the talks,
the future;
i lost my friend.
a friend
that truly understood me,
that truly wanted the best for me.
and i do not know
how to cope
with that pain.


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